Manners sometimes get a bad rap. Do I really have to act a certain way for people to respect me? Why should I follow a set of stuffy rules when I’m all about pushing the boundaries of my industry?
I recently attended an event hosted by the Young Women’s Leadership school in East Harlem, NY. The school’s soon-to-graduate senior class joined a group of volunteers – primarily business women from the community – to discuss and learn about table manners as they relate to business and social events. I grew up in the south, so I know a thing or two about manners. I thought that maybe I could add a little value to the event. Instead, I was reminded that a) I’m no Emily Post and b) manners are as crucial to success as knowledge of your job and how well you do it.
I have passable manners – with the occasional elbow on the table and iPhone usage during dinner ruining my “perfect” record – but I was particularly impressed by the way the YWL staff explained the importance and “why” of manners to the girls. Manners, they said, are not meant to restrict your behavior and make you feel uncomfortable if you “mess up”; on the contrary, they give everyone at the table a common set of rules to play by so that no one is made to feel uncomfortable. In other words, a common set of rules for behavior in certain situations actually allows people to relax and enjoy themselves. They don’t have to worry about offending another guest if they just follow – at least loosely – the rules.
Here’s one of the real-world situations we discussed that night: You’re at a business dinner, sitting next to someone you’ve just met, and you’d really like a piece of bread from the basket sitting at the other end of the table. If you reach across the person next to you to pick up the bread basket, you may or may not offend them, depending on their feelings about personal space. Why risk it? Take a cue from Ms. Post instead and ask your new acquaintance to pass the bread to you. Potential personal brand crisis averted!
I also learned about the logical reasons behind most of the etiquette rules we follow (interesting to think about for rules that seem arbitrary or stupid). For example, something as simple as placing your fork and knife together on your plate when you’re done eating not only signals to the wait staff that you’re finished but allows them to easily place their thumb over the silverware to hold it in place when they remove your plate. Or tipping a soup bowl away from you (and spooning the soup away from you as well) so it doesn’t end up in your lap if you have an unsteady hand.
In a world where manners have become optional, why not make ourselves stand out by actually having them? We may not be thanked for our good manners, but our lack of them is certain to cause people to remember us for all the wrong reasons and may even hurt our business. How much more brilliant, innovative, and engaging could we be if our manners were so good that they faded into the background?
What do you think? Are manners an important part of a personal brand? Have you or someone you know made an etiquette mistake that cost you/them respect or even a piece of business?
Note: For those without access to my “1-800-SouthernMom” manners hotline, I found this: Emily Post’s The Etiquette Advantage in Business: Personal Skills for Professional Success.
