You know that little voice in your head?
The one that gets cranky when someone challenges you.
The voice that says “Who is he to offer an idea for MY project?! I’M the expert!” (It’s a good idea, too. And you know it. That’s soooo not the point!)
Or “Take control and make shit happen, girl! You can’t sit back and just let life unfold!”
Sometimes it even says “Who do you think you are?! You can’t possibly be that successful.”
Yeah. I have that voice too.
And she’s f’ing ANNOYING.
She’s whiny and insecure and a total buzz kill.
And she usually pops into my head just as I’m rocking whatever I’m working on.
Ego. Fear. Resistance.
Whatever her name, she stops me from being who I want to be. From being the best version of myself.
In an interview with Fast Company magazine, Amy Poehler – of SNL, Upright Citizens Brigade and Parks and Recreation fame – said this about her evolving career as a producer:
“It’s a struggle for me to remain open. To not shut down because I’m defensive or scared or maybe my ego is getting in the way. And the other side of that is just believing that I belong where I am and deserve to take up space. I fight constantly…between not apologizing for what I want and staying vulnerable and creatively supple and not thinking I know better than everyone else.”
Bam. That’s IT! My brain did a happy dance when I read that. “Thank god it’s not just me,” I thought.
But I wondered…
How can we bring the best of who we are into our work without letting our ego derail us?
Psychology tells us that our environment changes who we are.
I notice that when I health coach or teach Pilates, I’m 100% focused on serving the person in front of me. Empathy and compassion are more important than metrics and revenue. And my ego stays quiet.
In my business roles, my ego pops up a lot. She’s especially at home in her “natural habitat” – an office – where she received her Master Training working in the hypercompetitive NYC advertising sales world.
I spend a lot of time in an office now, for the first time in nearly six years.
So I considered blaming my office for my ego’s resurgence. (Way to take responsibility for my actions, right? 😉
Then it occurred to me that that was totally lame – that, instead, I needed to find a way to cultivate empathy and compassion in my office environment.
Because empathy and compassion are the antidotes to ego. And according to this study from Stanford University, they get way better results in the workplace.
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Offer to help a co-worker with a tough project.
Bring flowers to your office manager as a thank-you for keeping things running smoothly. (Okay, so that’s gratitude more than compassion; but gratitude is good too!)
Mentor a younger staff member who needs some guidance.
Shadow someone in another department for a day to see inside their world.
Ask one of your direct reports about their vision for their career and their life. And LISTEN to what they share.
Learn how members of your team like to be appreciated, and make a point of appreciating them that way. (The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace by Gary Chapman and Paul White might help.)
And because compassion for self leads to compassion for others, try one of these self-compassion exercises from Dr. Kristin Neff, PhD.
We control how we show up in the world.
If we want to be ego-driven, ineffective control freaks, we can do that. (I’m quite good at it, myself.)
Or we can let our more compassionate and empathetic selves take the lead in all areas of our lives and see what happens.
It’s not easy sometimes, but the choice is ours.
And letting go of the reigns – the ones that Ego wants to grab onto all the time – is soooooo much less stressful!
What about you? Does your ego show up more often than you’d like? How do you keep her in check so you can be your best and most effective self? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
P.S. My friend Erin Stutland’s Say It, Sweat It, Get It Challenge started on June 1, but it’s not too late to join in! If you’re looking for a way to move your body that doesn’t feel like exercise, definitely check it out. As Erin says, “Movement in your body creates movement in your life.” Sign up for the FREE Challenge here.
