What does it mean to “be seen” by another person? Is it even possible? And in our attempts to be seen by those in our lives, do we miss out on truly seeing them?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, on both the personal and professional fronts.
My work is 100% about seeing the person in front of me, guiding them to be their healthiest and most vibrant self, whether I’m training them in Pilates or counseling them about their food and lifestyle choices. I’m getting better at it, I think; but there are times when all I can see is what works for me. I find myself gently imposing those things on my clients, and I have to pull back to remind myself that what works for me may not work for them.
On a personal level, seeing other people becomes even more challenging. There’s no little “angel of professionalism” sitting on my shoulder, reminding me to shut up, listen, and see. There’s only me, wanting desperately to be understood and acknowledged and recognized for who I truly am and thinking that my way of living is the only way. I wonder, though…is it really so wrong, to want to be seen by those you love and who love you? I guess the trick is to extend them the same courtesy…and to release those with whom that exchange of “I see you/you see me” doesn’t ever really happen.
Here are my thoughts on ways to balance our need to be seen with our responsibility to see others, lessons learned (and still being learned) from both joyful and painful experiences…and things that I struggle with every day.
- Ask for what you need. As selfish as it sounds, this may be the most important thing. If you’re not getting what you need in your life, resentment – however misplaced – may blind you to the needs of others. While you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness, ask for support from others when you need it. And recognize when a situation or relationship isn’t capable of giving you what you need. Sticking around will only hurt you and those around you.
- Seek understanding, not approval. Remember that you provide your own approval. I suppose it’s human to want approval from certain people in our lives, but seeking to gain their understanding is probably a little more reasonable. Coming at relationships from a place of self-approval may help us open our eyes to others just a little more.
- Seek to understand, not approve. You are not judge and jury for those in your life, just as they are not for you. In every interaction, try only to listen and reflect back what you hear. No judgment, just acknowledgment. I think that’s all any of us really want anyway…to be acknowledged. As the wise Dave Romanelli recently quoted in his Yeah Dave newsletter, “if you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
- Be present. Cultivate the ability to be 100% present when listening to others. They will feel heard which makes them more receptive to hearing you which makes you more receptive to hearing them…on and on. Everyone wins.
- Feel what you feel without judgment. Don’t judge yourself for having feelings that you or others think are “incorrect” or “inappropriate.” Feel them and recognize that they’re there for a reason. Try to connect with their source…and then let them go if that’s what best serves you and the situation. Acknowledging yourself is good practice for acknowledging others. And connecting to and clearing your own feelings makes you more receptive to the feelings of others.
What do you think? How can we best see and be seen at the same time?
