A friend called recently to ask for my help.
She was feeling crappy about something and wanted to know how I stayed so positive all the time.
My response surprised me because I think of myself as a born optimist.
“Well, it’s a learned behavior. I have to work at it!”, I said.
Because the truth is, positive thinking does NOT come naturally to me.
I’m a worrier. Such a worrier!
“What if…?” is as common a thought for me as “I want cookie!” is for Cookie Monster. 😉
But back to the conversation for a sec…
I continued by saying “You know what? It’s okay to feel crappy about that thing. Acknowledge the crappiness! Then, when you’ve honored that feeling and are ready to move forward, try a few positive psychology exercises. My clients love the ones we do in Vibrant Health Playbook!”.
Positive thinking and the tools of positive psychology have measurably improved my happiness – and my health. But positivity is only part of the human experience.
Sometimes worrying is called for. Sometimes feeling crappy is a-ok.
Reams of research support the benefits of positive thinking.
AND… reams of research show that our cultural obsession with positivity as the cure for everything sometimes makes things worse.
I recently uncovered a new term (new to me, anyway): defensive pessimism.
According to this Newsweek article, Wellesley College psychology professor Julie Norem coined the term to describe people who “relieve anxiety ‘ by thinking about everything that could go wrong and processing these negative possibilities.’” In her research, Norem found that “forcing optimism or a positive mood on an anxious defensive pessimist can damage performance.”
Norem estimates that “25 to 30 percent of the American population consists of defensive pessimists.”
In the article, Norem goes on to say “Catchphrases like ‘It’s all good’ shut down conversation about how people are really feeling. If they’re having a bad day, it would really help to talk to their friends about it, but this whole idea of ‘We have to be positive all the time’ has saturated society, and there’s no audience.”
I have to admit that I MIGHT be a teensy-tiny bit judgmental of people I view as “Negative Nellies.”
But as a coach, I’m also painfully aware of how often women downplay or discredit their negative feelings by saying things like “I really shouldn’t complain… I have so much” or “I know I sound soooooo negative, but…” or “That sounds crazy, doesn’t it?”.
My response?
It’s the way you feel. Period. And that makes it a-ok in my book.
The trick is recognizing when you need a positivity reboot and when you need to allow yourself a moment to feel crappy (or even to wallow a little).
Ask yourself these questions to figure out if cultivating positivity could be helpful:
1) Are your negative thoughts getting in the way of your goals?
In other words, are your thoughts a sneaky way of keeping you stuck in your comfort zone – instead of reaching for your most vibrant, healthy, and confident self? For example, “Every time I try to do something that feels hard (like getting healthy), I fail.” I’m guessing that’s not 100% true. Really. Be honest. 😉
2) Are your negative thoughts getting in the way of your relationships?
Are you less satisfied with your life because your interactions with friends, family, and co-workers feel more negative than positive? One of my clients made “having more positive interactions with my co-workers” a top goal for our work together – because she knows she’s not only happier but also more productive (and healthier!) when she’s more positive.
3) Is there a specific situation that’s causing you to feel negative? Would any normal human feel a little crappy as a result of that situation?
If the answer is yes, well, maybe it’s time to let yourself off the hook and feel bad for a bit. You’re only human, right?
Forcing yourself to be positive when you have good reason to feel negative… maybe not the best idea.
But if you’re ready for that positive thinking reboot, try these positive psychology exercises – developed by the “founding father of positive psychology” himself, Dr. Martin Seligman.
I can tell you from experience that they work! Let me know how it goes.
P.S. If you feel like your “negative thinking” might be a sign of something more serious, please consider seeing a therapist. Or check out this great (and affordable) online therapy service.
xo,
